Monday, June 21, 2010

Pain That Won't Stop

As many of you know, the Mule has suffered from depression on and off since the early ‘90s.

You try infidelity and divorce with the subject of my [then] “dreams,” and tell me you’re not depressed. . . .

Wait; that wasn’t the subject of the post. Sorry.

During those times, the idea of suicide was a constant companion. The ideation progressed to action a couple of times, but I was never impelled to completion.
Not too difficult to figure, as I am typing this to you now. But the hopelessness of the moment, and desire to relieve it, was powerful.

I wanted to jot a quick note because I’m strongly against it.

Suicide again touched my life this weekend, and I can tell you that the ripples of pain don’t stop. The woman let people know she was thinking of it – but obliquely. She then told folks goodbye on their Facebook walls, transferred her cash to her sister’s bank account, and went to a hotel room to kill herself. She succeeded.

I didn’t know her well, but people in my life were very close – and are devastated.

I may be too far removed from my deep depression [oh, yeah – it lurks constantly, despite all the Bupropion that $ can buy] to remember how unable I was to hear anyone – how resolute I was to address my own pain in the way my miswired, misfiring brain saw fit – but I have to hope that I might slow down one hurting person by mentioning to anyone and everyone how wide-ranging the pain is.

The length of that last sentence may, of course, undo whatever good I’m trying to do. It’s driving me into a bad place. But we’ll save that for another editorial day. . . .

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